I'm counting down to Øyafestivalen, the Nine Inch Nails and Tool-concerts - and of course - tattoo time! One shortened day of work, 6,5 hours to be exact, to get through, and I'm leaving for Moelv.
I've entered a superduperorganization-mode, packing and planning my butt off. This is the one thing I've planned for this summer, and a thing I'm really looking forward to, so I want this to be good. Besides, we're sleeping in a tent for two days, so we need a bit more preparation than the usual trip. Maybe I've packed a wee bit more than I need.. Just a little bit.
In other news; today I've been to a doctor for naprapathy! What's that you say? Well, in short they look for the underlying causes of pain - the cause of a headache isn't always in the head itself. When the problems are uncovered they are treated through adjusting stiff and locked joints, "trigger point treatment", acupuncture and counselling on how to prevent and live with pain. The guy I went to was a particularly nice and funny Swede from Dalarna. Every Dalarna-swede I know (that's about.. uhm... two?) are just that - very nice and likeable people. To me, at least. And what did he do with me? Well, he cracked open stuff in my back I had no idea even existed. It's quite the adrenaline-rush when you feel every vertebrae in your back from the neck to your butt just pops up. It's like free falling. Woohoo! I'm going there again tomorrow. Nice, funny and slightly cute swedes who fixes my back and gives me adrenaline rushes? What's not to like?
I'll be back sometime during the weekend, and will probably rant and illustrate both the festival, the tattoo project and the swedish doctor of naprapathy.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Thursday, August 2, 2007
A hallelujah moment
Tool - Forty-six & 2
"My shadow's
Shedding skin and
I've been picking
Scabs again
I'm down
Digging through
My old muscles
Looking for a clue
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been
I've been wallowing in my own confused
And insecure delusions
For a piece to cross me over
Or a word to guide me in
I wanna feel the changes coming down
I wanna know what I've been hiding in
My shadow
Change is coming through my shadow
My shadow's shedding skin
I've been picking
My scabs again
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic
And insecure delusions
I wanna feel the change consume me,
Feel the outside turning in
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
Cleansing I've endured within
My shadow
Change is coming
Now is my time
Listen to my muscle memory
Contemplate what I've been clinging to
Forty six and two ahead of me
I choose to live and to
Grow, take and give and to
Move, learn and love and to
Cry, kill and die and to
Be paranoid and to
Lie, hate and fear and to
Do what it takes to move through
I choose to live and to
Lie, kill and give and to
Die, learn and love and to
Do what it takes to step through
See my shadow changing,
Stretching up and over me
Soften this old armor
Hoping I can clear the way
By stepping through my shadow,
Coming out the other side
Step into the shadow
Forty six and two are just ahead of me"
Yes, for all you know-it-alls out there, I've read what this song is about. About Melchizedek, about humans evolving into having 46+2 chromosomes giving us a higher consciousness, about Jungian philosophy his "shadow". All good and well, all interesting, and all typical of Tool just wanting to fuck with your mind (remembering that most of these songs probably are created in a chemically induced high in one form or another). But I choose to interpret this on a more personal and probably more egoistic level. That's the beauty about lyrics - I can decide what I want them to mean - to me:
"My shadow"; has to be that which I for many years have lived with and fought - the depressions, anxiety. It's a part of me, a monkey on my back, the shadow-side of me, wether I want to or not. "I''ve been picking scabs again" signifies my self destructive mentality - I am good at poking at my bad side, think dark and depressive thoughts, dig my self downward into a depression again. Like a wound you can't let heal because you're so used to having it there it's become a part of you. "Looking for a clue"; I've many times wondered what the cause are for my recurring depressions, my mood swings and anxiety. What's behind it all? Most of us has experienced fucked up things, most people become sane again. Why not I? What's the reason?
"What could've been"; I always get bitter when I think of that. If I hadn't lost my mom, if I had been mentally well - where could I have been? How would my life be? And I always think it would've been a whole lot better.
"I've been wallowing in my own confused and insecure delusions" - story of my life. Insecure and confused. Someone who's depressed are very good at wallowing. In my case I often end up wallowing - listening to music I know drags me down, doing things I know will make it all worse for myself. In many cases the depression removes your every ability to break the cycle anyways, it snatches away your creativity and motivation to do anything positive for yourself - and all you're left with is your own deluded and crippled thoughts.
"For a piece to cross me over or a word to guide me in" - A thought, a sentence, an idea that would miraculously make me "well". Or at least help me well on the way.
"I wanna feel the changes coming down, I wanna know what I've been hiding in" - I want to change it, get out of the downward spiral, and to know what's the cause of it. And I want an opportunity to see it from another angle, from above all the crap and darkness.
"Listen to my muscle memory, contemplate what I've been clinging to" - I once realized that I lived to be ill - I didn't live WITH an illness. It became second nature. And when the most familiar thing you have is your own melancholy and sadness, you end up clinging to it in the end.
"I choose to live..." the contrast in this whole verse means that when you choose to live, which is the most important choice - you also say yes to both the good and the bad. No one can live a completely happy life. In all likeliness you will end up loving, growing, crying, hurting, lying and most certainly dying - sometime. Take the bad with the good. And I probably will have to live with some degree of melancholy and mood swings for all my life. There's a balance to everything.
"Soften this old armor. Hoping I can clear the way by stepping through my shadow, coming out the other side". Maybe you just have to live through the pain and darkness. Fucked up as it might be, maybe one should let some of ones old walls down, dive right into the heart of it and hopefully come out on the other side a happier person?
I guess my forty-six and 2 would be a life without depression and axiety, self destruction and chaos - and with a sense of harmony. It all comes back to that. Harmony.
PS: This post sounded far less emo in my own head.
"My shadow's
Shedding skin and
I've been picking
Scabs again
I'm down
Digging through
My old muscles
Looking for a clue
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been
I've been wallowing in my own confused
And insecure delusions
For a piece to cross me over
Or a word to guide me in
I wanna feel the changes coming down
I wanna know what I've been hiding in
My shadow
Change is coming through my shadow
My shadow's shedding skin
I've been picking
My scabs again
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic
And insecure delusions
I wanna feel the change consume me,
Feel the outside turning in
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
Cleansing I've endured within
My shadow
Change is coming
Now is my time
Listen to my muscle memory
Contemplate what I've been clinging to
Forty six and two ahead of me
I choose to live and to
Grow, take and give and to
Move, learn and love and to
Cry, kill and die and to
Be paranoid and to
Lie, hate and fear and to
Do what it takes to move through
I choose to live and to
Lie, kill and give and to
Die, learn and love and to
Do what it takes to step through
See my shadow changing,
Stretching up and over me
Soften this old armor
Hoping I can clear the way
By stepping through my shadow,
Coming out the other side
Step into the shadow
Forty six and two are just ahead of me"
Yes, for all you know-it-alls out there, I've read what this song is about. About Melchizedek, about humans evolving into having 46+2 chromosomes giving us a higher consciousness, about Jungian philosophy his "shadow". All good and well, all interesting, and all typical of Tool just wanting to fuck with your mind (remembering that most of these songs probably are created in a chemically induced high in one form or another). But I choose to interpret this on a more personal and probably more egoistic level. That's the beauty about lyrics - I can decide what I want them to mean - to me:
"My shadow"; has to be that which I for many years have lived with and fought - the depressions, anxiety. It's a part of me, a monkey on my back, the shadow-side of me, wether I want to or not. "I''ve been picking scabs again" signifies my self destructive mentality - I am good at poking at my bad side, think dark and depressive thoughts, dig my self downward into a depression again. Like a wound you can't let heal because you're so used to having it there it's become a part of you. "Looking for a clue"; I've many times wondered what the cause are for my recurring depressions, my mood swings and anxiety. What's behind it all? Most of us has experienced fucked up things, most people become sane again. Why not I? What's the reason?
"What could've been"; I always get bitter when I think of that. If I hadn't lost my mom, if I had been mentally well - where could I have been? How would my life be? And I always think it would've been a whole lot better.
"I've been wallowing in my own confused and insecure delusions" - story of my life. Insecure and confused. Someone who's depressed are very good at wallowing. In my case I often end up wallowing - listening to music I know drags me down, doing things I know will make it all worse for myself. In many cases the depression removes your every ability to break the cycle anyways, it snatches away your creativity and motivation to do anything positive for yourself - and all you're left with is your own deluded and crippled thoughts.
"For a piece to cross me over or a word to guide me in" - A thought, a sentence, an idea that would miraculously make me "well". Or at least help me well on the way.
"I wanna feel the changes coming down, I wanna know what I've been hiding in" - I want to change it, get out of the downward spiral, and to know what's the cause of it. And I want an opportunity to see it from another angle, from above all the crap and darkness.
"Listen to my muscle memory, contemplate what I've been clinging to" - I once realized that I lived to be ill - I didn't live WITH an illness. It became second nature. And when the most familiar thing you have is your own melancholy and sadness, you end up clinging to it in the end.
"I choose to live..." the contrast in this whole verse means that when you choose to live, which is the most important choice - you also say yes to both the good and the bad. No one can live a completely happy life. In all likeliness you will end up loving, growing, crying, hurting, lying and most certainly dying - sometime. Take the bad with the good. And I probably will have to live with some degree of melancholy and mood swings for all my life. There's a balance to everything.
"Soften this old armor. Hoping I can clear the way by stepping through my shadow, coming out the other side". Maybe you just have to live through the pain and darkness. Fucked up as it might be, maybe one should let some of ones old walls down, dive right into the heart of it and hopefully come out on the other side a happier person?
I guess my forty-six and 2 would be a life without depression and axiety, self destruction and chaos - and with a sense of harmony. It all comes back to that. Harmony.
PS: This post sounded far less emo in my own head.
First of all I'd like to say a bitter farewell to this - the mother of all the crappiest of crappy July's in living memory. Not that I should complain, really, I haven't been any of those who has had their holiday weeks ruined by it. But I'm praying to every God and prophet of every religion in the world, however obscure and unknown, that I'll get two - count them - two, sunny days this August. If the 8th and 9th of August could be clear and sunny (or just don't have rain, really), I'll be a happy camper (literally). That's all I want. Thank you.
In other news; I've been off penicillin for a whole week tomorrow! That's a record! I'm stuffing my face with multivitamins, huge C-vitamin-pills and fruit juices to stay alive tho.
And I'm counting down to Tattoo-Day! And looking forward to it like a kid on Christmas morning. Or something like that. Only a bit concerned about the cost - I really shouldn't be able to afford it. But bah, who cares. It's a life time investment.
In other news; I've been off penicillin for a whole week tomorrow! That's a record! I'm stuffing my face with multivitamins, huge C-vitamin-pills and fruit juices to stay alive tho.
And I'm counting down to Tattoo-Day! And looking forward to it like a kid on Christmas morning. Or something like that. Only a bit concerned about the cost - I really shouldn't be able to afford it. But bah, who cares. It's a life time investment.
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