Moment of zen

I've never been much of a hippie, I've never worn my hair very long on my head or other places, I'm far too materialistic, I don't smoke marihuana. I am, however, always been slightly on the alternative side, and never afraid of trying anything new: these days I eat ecological whenever I can, I believe in a spiritual life (and to some extent, ghosts), I've listened to a lot of alternative music, many would say I've tried just about every alternative style of clothing there is, I've done yoga...

Spiritual moments is a very wide term, and can encompass religion, but to me it doesn't. Spirituality to me doesn't include a god, or rules. Nevertheless I just had one of those spiritual moments - a random, impulsive moment that I never would've seen coming, that I didn't know how happened and that I will remember forever.

I was sitting infront of my computer, talking to a mate about a song which I've mentioned before, "Freestate", a lyric that has meant an awful lot to me, it has supported, comforted and guided me, and given me a new way of thinking. And the more I think about it, the more the lyric grows and becomes a part of me - which was what I was trying to explain to said mate. I should confess that I've had 3 beers prior to this, and just watched a Depeche Mode concert dvd - none of which is illegal- but to me it apparently works as some sort of drug. Because in mid-chat I suddenly noticed the pouring rain outside, and had an idea. I took off my socks, grabbed my iPod and waltzed out into my backyard, into the rain, barefoot, feeling the rain soaking my feet, falling on my skin, slowly drenching my clothes. Why? I'm not sure. It might be that I am at a turning point in my life - in the past years so much has changed. I now have a name (or names) for my illness, I have medication which helps, gone through a lot of helpful therapy, worked with myself, evolved and developed, figured out alot about myself, I am starting school in less than a month, moving to a new city, hopefully starting a new life, a successful life, getting new friends, new impulses, doing something that seems worthwhile. But this might have nothing to do with it at all. Maybe I just wanted to feel the rain against my skin, the fresh air, listen to the music, the wonderful lyrics that gave me the kick up the backside that I needed. Maybe it was my way of celebrating the change in me, some sort of cleansing. Or my way of thanking Martin Gore for finding the words that has helped me so much, for making me feel seen, understood and giving me some sort of guidance. Or maybe I'm just more drunk than I think. It doesn't matter. To me it felt transcendental, calming and just right.


I can hear your soul crying
Listen to your spirit sighing
I can feel your desperation
Emotional deprivation

Let yourself go
Let yourself go
Let your feelings show

Picking up the conversations
Deep in your imagination
Tune in to the lonely voices
Talking of their only choices

Let yourself go
Let yourself go
Let your spirit grow

Step out of your cage and onto the stage
It's time to start playing your part
Freedom awaits
Open the gates
Open your mind
Freedom's a state

I can taste the tears falling
The bitterness that's inside you calling
Yearning for a liberation
Emotional emancipation

Let yourself go
Let yourself go
Let your senses overflow

Step out of your cage and onto the stage
It's time to start playing your part
Freedom awaits
Open the gates
Open your mind
Freedom's a state