Being social is hard.It can be exhausting, it wears me out and can make me paranoid and nervous. To varying degrees, I will admit; there are certain times or in groups where being social is easier and less stressful than other times, it all depends on how well I know the people surrounding me. Or maybe it depends even more on how well they know, understand and accept me, how much we have in common, if we share the same humor and how much alcohol is in my bloodlevel (this last one is a particularly sad but true fact).
The reasons for this are many and probably complex and deeply psychological. Maybe it is because I have somewhat unusual interests. Or maybe everyone has, they're just better at hiding them and acting normal. Maybe people are just better at smalltalk than me, I'm bad at hiding when smalltalk bores me, at that point I just sign out of the conversation. I'm not the girl you'll choose foor a night of drinking alcopops while chatting about which fake tan works best and share mean gossip about the other girls at school. If you fancy a Dr Who marathon, or a game of Risk, or need someone to watch that Tom Waits live DVD with over an unknown amount of beers, or a pyjama-party in your "killer-rabbit" slippers while we make oreo cheesecake and I dye my hair purple, I'm your girl. It's just who I am, being "different" is part of my personality, but sometimes I really wish I could just be... plain and normal. Fit in. Have long blonde hair and be fashionable and host Tupperware parties. Maybe I'm not even being different, I'm just... specialized and specific.
My biggest problem is that I just don't know about people. I never know where I stand with them. I don't understand them. I always wonder what they say behind my back. It sounds paranoid, but after a few sudden, metaphorical punches to the face that I didn't see coming in the last few years, this paranoia has just grown. In fairness it can't be worse than the shit I keep telling myself, but getting it from someone else is always that little bit worse because it just confirms the suspicions you already have about yourself. This is probably mostly true about girls, because in general they tend to be conspiratory and sneaky and sometimes just flat out mean, cold bitches. Boys tend to have a more direct approach, more honest (and sometimes more violent), but at least you know where you stand; a few real punches, not the metaphorical ones, and you either make up or you try your best to avoid each other for eternity. I prefer the direct approach.
So I tend to keep to myself. Because it's more comfortable for me, but also because I can't help but think that it's best that I spare everyone else my odd company. I read an article once about people having "social sensitivity", and I fall into that category. Some people just are like that, and years of being depressed and isolating myself has made me used to having a lot of "me-time". Despite this I often feel lonely, and wish I was more social. Or, that being social was easier, that I had more good social times, and less of the stressful ones. But I would chose staying home alone over having a bad time in some social setting.
Who knows, maybe I wouldn't have been this way without internet. Because on this computer, I socialize all day, and being able to talk to my friends online probably fulfills the little need for socializing that I have. Talking to someone online entales less commitment, somehow, less severity. Online I can adjust how much I talk to people, and when, and finding people with mutual interests and hobbies is much easier. People are often more honest online as well, more direct, more open about who they are, what they're all about, and that way you can find out whether or not you can get along with that person a lot quicker than in real life. And to be honest, just about everyone I would count as my true friends today, bar a person or two, are people I "met" online. Most of them I have met in real life on one or more occasions, and spending time with them is always a lot less stressful than being with everyone else.
I do like people. I like that we are so diverse, so different and unpredictable and strange. But that is also what makes it so scary for me to relate to them. It's not your fault, it's probably all down to my own attitude towards myself and the people around me. Just... don't give up on me. I'll come around.
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