About exercising.

As I'm already on the object of body glorification (or rather the opposite), I might as well stay on the subject. Because for as long as I have had issues with my weight, I've also had a wish to get more exercise in. "Wish" might be the wrong term, come to think of it. More lik "it's been hanging over me like some cloud of doom", one of those eternal demands you put upon yourself but never seem to get around to fulfil. "I should work out more. I should eat healthier. I should stop smoking." And I should exercise more. Not just because I want there to be less of me, but also because it makes me feel better. I get more energy, more focus, I feel less heavy, is reduces stress hormones, makes me sleep better and can lower my blood pressure.

So what's the problem? Well, for one I am incredibly lazy. My mum claimed that I was born tired; I came out, yawned and went to sleep. And that's pretty much how it carried on. As a baby I was so docile and apathetic my aunt has in later years admitted to thinking there was something seriously wrong with me. "All you did was just.. lie there, and look around at things!"


I have succeeded in exercising, occasionally, but only for a limited period of time. Growing up I tried a lot of different sports, if this was of my own volition or me caving in from parental pressure I can't remember. I swam for many years, I even have a prize or two proudly displayed on my piano (they're basically glorified drinking glasses, and my sister used them as shot-glasses at a party once...). I did Tae Kwon Do for a year or two, and I loved that form of exercising, but when all my friends quit of course I did too. I had some feeble attempts at handball and football, but soon realised that having astigmatism ("optical defect in which... oh, google it.) made me practically incapable of catching a ball with my hands, or hitting a ball with my feet. Astigmatism should be the term for "always getting hit in the head with the ball". Plus, I'm just not a "team" kind of person. I had a summer I did nothing but cycle - everywhere, miles and miles every day. Until I got so tired of it I wanted to chop my bicycle to bits. The year I went to "folk high school" I was very active - but it's easy to be when you live on campus and people knock on your door every day asking if you want to come work out, and the gym + swimming pool is in the neighboring house.

I guess that's my other problem, besides my inherent laziness - lack of motivation. I can be so good for a period, if I am working towards something, like looking good for a holiday or an event. But if I hit a rough spot, get depressed, get extra work at school or have a heavy internship, I just.. fail. I also have a slight impulse defect, being I give in to them way too easily, and the impulse so skip the workout and remain seated tends to win quite often.

The key to getting exercise done is finding a form of workout that you like. Said my therapist. I couldn't agree more. He promptly suggested youthful stuff like pilates, aerobics and zumba. This is where my illustration for this blog post comes in. Because that is how I feel in those sort of classes; like a hippo in a tutu. A huffing, puffing, sweating, red-faced one. Seeing all the other slim, happy, fit people bounce around me like they were made of air is very demotivating. And those manicly perky instructors always inspire so much hatred in me you could bottle it. The sheer idea of going into a gym is in general a very icky thought. I know they are there for people to get into shape and start a better life, but have you noticed that when you go there everyone seem to be in perfect shape already?

I would've loved to start doing Tae Kwon Do again. But I tried that a year and a half ago, and learned the hard way that I have exertion asthma on top of everything else. TKD is just too hard and brutal for me, I need to get myself into better shape first. And gyms are, in addition to being icky, very expensive around here. I could always swim, but that's not cheap either. My neighbors have an ellipse machine that they never use anymore, it just gathered dust and took up space in their living room so they asked if I wanted to borrow it. So I said yes. It's the least horrific of those kinds of machines - treadmills, step machines, cycles.... This way I can workout at home, whenever I want. I can be as pissy and angry and moody as I want, I can listen to loud music and yell at myself or the wall and sweat without grossing anyone out. And to be honest, sometimes getting a workout done really is that much of a challenge. Sometimes I get so frustrated at how tiring it is, how uncomfortable everything is, the poor shape I'm in, that I end up in tears. Or throw things around in a tantrum. Maybe I'm fighting some of my demons, who knows. But I will at least try to get it done. I started out with 12 minutes, upped it to 15 now, the goal is to reach 20 within october and then up it to 30.

Wish me luck. Or kick me in the backside. I need both.