My brother and I had what you might call an encounter yesterday. You would think we had grown out of that sort of thing, me being 26 and him 38. Maybe some siblings will be eternally different and never will. Anyway.
In short the situation boiled down to that I was asleep and my phone on silent (at 7pm, which admittedly is an odd time to be asleep). My brother had an iPod charger cable that he wanted to give to me, and he was driving past the town where I study. Suddenly I'm woken up by someone banging on the front door, and my dog goes bananas. Before I get time to get clothes on the banging continues on the frigging windows, first at my bedroom, then my livingroom. Was someone dying? Was the earth collapsing? No, he just wanted to give me that cable. Jeez. "I've tried calling you three times!" Well it was on silent, and there was a reason for that - I was sleeping!
Yes yes, he was just doing me a favor, wanting to be nice and handing me a cable I'd forgotten in my home town, even I can see that. But the niceness kind of vanishes in the fact that he seemed prepared to bloody tear down my house to get to me. I would have surived without that cable. No one was dying, no crisis was happening. I just had the audacity to not answer my phone, because it was on silent and I was comatosed. If I had rung his doorbell, banged on his windows and then shouted angrily at him for NOT answering his silent phone when he was asleep, he would've been slightly cross as well.
But here comes my point - whenever I bring up the argument of not having heard my phone, they bring up the "but we were worried, something might've happened!"-argument. Geez louise, what did people do before mobile phones I wonder? And then it really comes - "well, considering your history..." Ah, there we have it. I'm crazy. So god knows what I might get up to! I might decide to carve an intricate pattern into my lower arm with a sharp knife, or swing by my neck from a rope? Ugh, I never even tried to commit a serious suicide attempt when I was at my absolute worst mentally, for chrissake. I've come one hell of a long way in the past 4-5 years. But apparently I'm the only one who can see that. How about showing me some fucking respect, giving me some credit and even more importantly, show me some actual trust? Trust in the fact that I have the capability of doing something with my situation before it gets so bad that I'll fancy ending my life, that I'm more stable and predictable than I was 5 years ago. "So, is my history going to follow me and haunt me forever, then?" I asked my sister. "Yes." Too bad. I just won't accept that.
I understand that I have been sick, that I probably was a huge burden and source of endless worry and frustration back when I was really sick. But that doesn't give you the right to use that against me any more. All I am trying to do it put the past behind me, all my wrongs and mistakes, and live my life as best I can. But you can't seem to forget the past, so how am I supposed to?
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